


Whither Though Lodgest

by StreetSoldierin



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Forced coming out, Getting Together, Heartache, Homophobia, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, I wrote this in 2017, Injury, Izzy is a terrible cook, Jace is a bit constipated, M/M, Magnus Bane Is A Freewheeling Bisexual, Magnus Bane's Cat Eyes, Making Up, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Protective Magnus Bane, Supportive Magnus Bane, and Clary is an asshole in this one, bc Magnus is taller than Alec and that's just how it is, but a great sister, his physical appearance is taken from the book not the series, protect these boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-10-27 15:29:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20762642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StreetSoldierin/pseuds/StreetSoldierin
Summary: After a mission almost goes wrong, Alec and Clary get into a fight and Clary takes it one step too far.Magnus takes Alec in as he runs from home, but he can't avoid talking to Izzy or Jace forever.Tears are cried. Vases are thrown. Confessions are made.





	1. Crumbling

**Author's Note:**

> The only multi-chapter fic I wrote for Malec, and one of the fics I had sitting around for far too long.  
It's not betaed and checked for spelling mistakes, but it would have been a waste to just keep it to rot, so I thought I'd rather put it out here for people to enjoy.
> 
> Have fun xx

There was a loud crash when Alec snatched off his weapon's belt and threw it on the floor. His heart was pumping, the adrenaline of the fight still flowing through his veins. But mixed with the adrenaline was a white-hot burning anger, and it flared up as soon as Clary followed into the weapons room to change out of her gear. 

"What were you thinking?" Alec growled. "By the Angel, you could've gotten us all killed!"  
Clary glared at him and undid her own belt. "I knew exactly what I was doing."  
"Yeah, and that makes it worse," Alec retorted. "Jace and I have been fighting together for years, we are trained to do that. And then you just come barging in, without any training, without any knowledge and think you can take on a demon like that? We were fine until you came along, we would've killed that demon in minutes if not all of a sudden we had to watch out for you, too." 

Clary scoffed. "Yeah, right. Maybe you forgot, but it was me who killed the thing in the end."  
"Yeah, because Jace almost got himself killed trying to protect you and I had to protect him from that. You were just lucky and if you weren't so arrogant you'd see that. You might have Shadowhunter blood, but you missed years and years of training and your recklessness is a danger to us all." 

In that moment Jace walked in, and with him Izzy and their parents. All had very serious expression on their faces, especially Izzy who seemed furious. Jace crossed the room to stand by Clary. "Are you alright?"  
"By sheer luck she is, yeah," Alec scoffed and shrugged off his jacket.  
"Come on, it wasn't that..." Jace began, but Maryse interrupted him. "Alec is right. This could've gone a lot differently." 

"That's not fair," Clary said and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Just because I am not trained doesn't mean I'm stupid or useless. Maybe it's just that you don't want to believe I am capable but believe me; I am a fast learner."  
"Your ego is bigger than your intelligence, that's the problem," Alec snarled and Clary shot him a dirty look.  
"Alec," Maryse said warningly. "There's no need to insult each other. But still he is right, Clarissa, your actions were reckless and unthoughtful." 

"She saved us," Jace protested. "We could be dead right now if she hadn't killed the thing."  
"We wouldn't have been in that situation if she hadn't showed up at all," Alec said and threw his jacket over a chair. Blood was splattered across the front, but the wound it came from had already been healed by an iratze. 

"If your years and years of training made such a difference maybe you shouldn't be distracted so easily," Clary said, mocking the words he had said before.  
"Yeah well the training doesn't involve someone recklessly throwing themselves in front of a demon, basically begging it to kill them."  
"At least I didn't stand around like a statue when that thing hit Jace." 

Alec drew back. She wasn't exactly wrong, he had been frozen in shock when the demon had slashed Jace across the chest and his parabatai had hit the ground. But Jace never would've been so distracted if Clary hadn't shown up all of a sudden. This was her fault, all of it.  
"At least I wasn't the reason that it was able to land that blow in the first place." 

"Alec!" Jace said warningly, but Clary fired back on her own.  
"Well at least I don't let my love life interfere with my fighting."  
Those words hit Alec like a slap. She wouldn't. No matter how much he despised her right now, she wouldn't dare.  
"What is that supposed to mean?" Jace asked, but Alec ignored the question. "Yeah, almost getting Jace killed certainly doesn't interfere with your love life, right?" 

A fire flared up in Clary's eyes. "I did not almost get him killed. You were the one standing around doing nothing and now you're trying to blame it all on me because you just can't stand it that he might try to protect me instead of sticking to your plan, instead of doing what you did all those years in training, right? It's not me, it's you. Your jealousy is what's a danger to us all."  
Maryse raised her voice, obviously annoyed. "What in the Angel's name is all this childish fighting about?" 

And then Clary turned to her. "It's about your son being so stupidly in love with Jace that he just can't deal with the fact that he's not the only one in Jace's life. It's about me being what Alec never can be and that's why he insists on hating me." 

It was as if for a few seconds, time stood still. Everyone went quiet, just as frozen in shock as Alec had been before in the fight. He felt the adrenaline flare up again, his heart beating in his throat. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe she really went through with this.  
Isabelle was the first to find her voice again. "What a nonsense..."  
She started trying to downplay Clary's words, but when Alec met his parents' eyes he knew they could read it all in his face, he could feel the tears burning up and his throat tighten. 

Slowly he backed away, not daring to look at Jace. A quick glance at Clary told him that she was looking at him with apologetic eyes, but it was way too late for that. There was no way of taking back her words, making his parents unhear them. He felt the door in his back and felt for the handle, the fact that neither of his parents had said a word told him everything he needed to know. 

Isabelle saw what he was doing and stopped talking, stopped lying about the truth that was out now. "Alec, stop," was all she said, but he couldn't bare it, he couldn't look at his parents or Jace and that’s why he threw the door open and turned around. The moment he had been dreading for so long had come and it was worse than he ever had expected. 

And so he ran. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Really, Alexander, I would've thought you'd do better than a tunnel in the middle of nowhere."  
Alec jerked awake from his daze, blinking to get used to the dim light. A figure was walking towards him, and though their voice had sounded calm, their step seemed rather hasty.  
He coughed and sat upright. It was cold here and the mist had dampened his clothes, but it was the only place around where he had found shelter from the cold wind and rain. The pain pulsed through his leg with every ever so tiny movement. 

The figure stopped next to his side and crouched down and it was only then that Alec recognized him. Magnus. Now he just wanted to scream, or run, but both really wasn't an option right now.  
Magnus' cat eyes wandered up and down his body. "You're injured. Isabelle told me Jace felt that you were in pain." 

"Izzy came to you?" Alec asked. His voice was quiet and a lot hoarser than he liked.  
"Indeed she did," Magnus said and reached out to touch Alec's leg. Alec winced and made to pull away, but Magnus withdrew his hand quickly. "Forgive me. I just wanted to feel the damage. What happened?" 

Alec couldn't help but chuckle humorlessly. It was just so absurd. "I got hit by a car."  
Magnus raised an eyebrow. "A car?"  
"Yes, a car. I didn't watch where I was going."  
"You never cease to surprise me, Alexander. Why didn't you draw a healing rune?"  
He sighed and closed his eyes. The cold, the pain, it felt like it sucked out all of his energy. "I don't have a stele with me." In all the rush, he had forgotten everything. All that had mattered in that moment was to get away. 

When he heard a slight crackle and felt the pain fading he opened his eyes again. Magnus' hands sent out blue sparks and traced his injuries carefully, mending the broken bone. "You'll still be sore," the warlock said matter-of-factly. "But that ought to be better. Now come on. Let's get you home."  
He extended a hand, but Alec drew back. "No," he said. "I am not going back there." 

"I figured," Magnus answered softly. "That's why I was talking about my place."  
"Your place?" This took Alec by surprise. "Why?"  
"Because this tunnel does not meet my expectations when it comes to interior design. I prefer my apartment."  
"No, I meant why bring me? Did Izzy pay you to find me?" 

Magnus chuckled. "She certainly tried, but neither of you can afford me."  
"Then why?" Alec asked again. He didn't even know why he was pressing the subject so much.  
Magnus' gaze became gentle. "Because she asked nicely and I just felt like saving that stupid but attractive Nephilim. So, will you come with me?"  
Alec hesitated for only a second before he took Magnus' hand. There was just something about the warlock that made him want to trust him blindly, even if he had learned that trusting that easily never was a good idea. But what else had he got to lose? 

Magnus smiled as he pulled Alec to his feet and then he slung an arm around the other boy's waist. Alec wanted to protest, but shut his mouth again as he felt that his leg was still hurting when he put weight onto it. He bit his lip to suppress a groan.  
"Take your time," Magnus said. "We're not in any rush. Chairman Meow might be in a mood if I don't make it in time for his food, but we will survive that." 

"Magnus?" Alec found it very hard to talk, walking and trying not to scream was straining him enough, but he wanted to say this, he needed to.  
"I'm being serious, he's fearsome when he throws his fits, but I never came out with more than just a few scratches."  
"That's not what I..." Alec paused, just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. Then he took a deep breath. "Thank you."  
Magnus just kept on smiling. "This is nothing you have to thank me for, Alexander." 

~~~~~~~~~~

It felt weird. Everything about this situation was just weird, but apparently Magnus thought otherwise. The warlock acted as if it was perfectly normal, he brought Alec home and gave him clothes since Alec's were still damp – there was a short argument because "No Magnus, I am not wearing THAT", but eventually they found something non-glittery which at least covered a reasonable amount of skin. 

Magnus was the incarnation of kindness. He didn't ask Alec about what had happened, he just made sure the Shadowhunter was dry and comfortable and he even made – or better said, summoned them dinner.  
After they had eaten and Magnus had chattered the whole time about topics that did not involve Shadowhunters, Alec felt like he owed it to the warlock to explain himself. 

So he gathered up all his courage and asked, "Did Izzy tell you what happened? At home, I mean?"  
Magnus put down the fork which he had just stabbed into desert – apparently he had a thing for apple pie – and gave Alec a sympathetic look. "She gave me a rough summary, yes. Though she was so riled up it was difficult to follow, but I think I got the gist. She told me you lot got into a fight with a demon and it went wrong and then you accidently came out to your parents. I have to admit though, I haven't quite grasped yet why she punched Clarissa." 

Alec's eyes widened. "She punched Clary?"  
"That's what she said, yeah. How does that fit into the story though?"  
"Clary was the one who outed me," Alec said quietly. "We were fighting and she got so angry that she just... well." He could feel how his throat tightened up when he thought of the look on his parents' faces; he didn't want Magnus to see him like this so he turned his attention to his own slice of apple pie. 

"I'm sorry," he could hear Magnus say softly.  
"Don't be." Alec stabbed his pie, but he had lost all appetite. "Maybe I should thank her. I never would've gone through with it on my own."  
"No," Magnus answered firmly. "This wasn't her call to make. She took something important from you and you have all rights to be hurt."  
"I'm not hurt, it's just... just..." By the Angel, he hated this. "I don't know, it doesn't matter now. It's out and there's no way to take it back." 

He looked up just to see Magnus pushing back his plate and standing up. "So why not go back? Don't get me wrong, you can stay here as long as you like. But if it is as you say and it doesn't matter, why hide? Is it because your parents didn't take it well?"  
Alec shrugged. "I didn't stay long enough to find out, but they certainly didn't seem thrilled. It's not them, though. It's Jace." 

Magnus raised an eyebrow. "Jace is a homophobe? Angel knows I never liked him, but..."  
"No," Alec interrupted. "I don't think so. I don't know. Anyways, it's... Clary said something about me... about Jace and me, and..." He was stumbling over words but he just had no idea how to explain this. But Magnus seemed to understand on his own. "Ah, I see. It's alright, you don’t have to tell me more than you're comfortable with. Just know you're welcome to stay as long as you want." 

"Thanks," Alec replied quietly. "But I still don't get why."  
Magnus grinned and winked. "Chairman Meow isn't always the best company since he sleeps through the entire day. And well... let's just say I like having a pretty face around."


	2. Glimmering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec needs an ego boost, and Magnus is a specialist in that.

Alec spent the night in one of the spare bedrooms. He wondered why Magnus had three of those since he never seemed to have friends over – apart from his parties of course – but then again, he didn't know the warlock well enough to judge. They might have met a few times in the past, but that didn't make them anything. 

The bed was comfortable and Alec was grateful that he could stay. He had missed a dozen calls from his mother and Isabelle, but he couldn't even bear to think about going home right now. He just sent Isabelle a quick text, telling her where he was and that he was alright. That was what he owed her, his sister who had always had his back. But unfortunately, that hadn't been enough in the end. 

Alec didn't want to think about what was coming next, though he was well aware that he couldn't stay here forever. But for the moment he was safe here, and better off than at home, he was sure of that. 

The next morning, he woke to the sound of voices. Yawning he threw back the covers and got up, shivering as his bare feet touched the cold floor. He was wearing a pair of Magnus' pajamas – plain black, thankfully. 

As he padded towards the living room, he could make out that one of the voices belonged to Magnus. The warlock didn't sound all too welcoming, but who was he talking to?  
Alec stopped dead in his tracks as he recognized the second voice. Jace. 

"...ridiculous. Just let me in."  
"I can only repeat what I just said, if he wanted to talk to you, he would've gone home. The mere fact that he didn't should've told you to stay away. He will come to you when he is ready."  
"You know nothing about him! Just because you've developed a crush on him doesn't mean you get a say in his life."  
"No, and I'd never presume to do so. But this is my apartment and I do have a say in who comes and goes. And you, Shadowhunter, will not step through this door until Alexander wants you to." 

Alec could see Magnus by now, the warlock was at the front door, obviously preventing it from opening any further. Jace had to be right outside, at least Alec could see his foot between the door and its frame to hinder Magnus from closing it. 

"You don't even know what he wants!"  
"Okay then, as soon as he's awake I'll tell him you were here and if he wants to see you, alright. Until then I want you out of my house."  
And with that said, Magnus energetically shoved back Jace's foot and slammed the door shut. Alec could hear Jace curse, but from the sound of his footsteps he really was leaving. 

"Good morning, Alexander." Magnus hadn't even looked in his direction and proceeded to lock the door, but somehow, he knew Alec was here.  
"Hey," Alec replied and stepped closer. He didn't really know what to say.  
"I figured you didn't want to see Jace, especially when you came into the room and didn't stop me from keeping him out." He stepped back from the door and looked at Alec with those strange but yet captivating eyes.  
"Yeah, no, I..." Once again, he was stumbling over words. By the Angel, why was there no rune for eloquence? "Uh, thanks. For not letting him in."  
"No worries, I don't like him anyways. Breakfast?"  
Alec shrugged and followed Magnus into the kitchen. "Sure. Which coffee place are we robbing?"  
"It's not really stealing," Magnus replied and grinned. "Most of the times people don't even realize things go missing or they think they misplaced them themselves."  
"Which actually doesn't make it any less stealing."  
"If it eases your conscience, I do pay for all of it."  
"Really?"  
"Certainly. I am a man of honor, darling." 

He smiled that mischievous warlock smile that Alec already had seen on his face a few times before. It looked good on him, Alec thought secretly. Somehow, it made those cat eyes sparkle even more.  
"Either that information truly shocked you – allow me to be a tad offended if it did, because I do think of myself as a man of honor – or something on my face is really worth staring at. Since it is early in the morning and I don't recall putting on any makeup yet, there has to be another reason."  
"Oh, I'm... I was..." Really smooth Alec, wow. "Sorry. I didn't mean to stare. It's just your eyes, you know? They're kind of hard not to look at." 

Something changed in the warlock's expression. Alec wondered if he was only imagining it, but growing up taking care of two younger siblings had made him pretty good at reading faces, and right now Magnus seemed a little... more distant, wary even.  
"I can put a glamour on them, if they bother you." For the flicker of a second the cat eyes disappeared, turning into normal, dark brown ones.  
"No, no don't," Alec said hastily. "I'm so sorry, that wasn't meant in a bad way. They don't bother me, I just... I like looking at them. By the Angel, that sounded wrong. I don't... uh... 

Magnus' eyes changed back to normal and an amused smile played on his lips. He was obviously very amused by Alec's embarrassment.  
Alec huffed. "Oh, shut up. Let's just have that breakfast and never talk about this conversation again."  
Chuckling, Magnus waved his fingers and suddenly the table was loaded with breakfast. At the sight of the high pancake stacks, Alec shot Magnus a questioning look. "Are you hungry or something?  
"Always," the warlock replied and sat down. Alec followed his example and took a pancake. It tasted glorious. "So, you really do summon your food from high end places, huh?"  
Raising an eyebrow, Magnus poured them some coffee. "I am the High Warlock of Brooklyn, Alexander. The day that I don't eat satisfying food is the day that marks the apocalypse, believe me. What are they feeding you at that Institute of yours that these pancakes surprise you so much? I have tasted ones way better than these." 

The mention of the Institute stung in Alec's chest. They were probably having breakfast now, too, if Jace had returned already. "Well, uh, since our parents are rarely home we kind of eat whatever's there, you know? Sometimes Izzy tries to cook, but it's best to stay far away from whatever she produces in that kitchen. So mostly we resort to takeout."  
"Frivolous." Magnus shook his head theatrically. "Good that you're here to experience real food for once, or else I just might lose my faith in humanity again."  
"Yeah, about that..."  
"My faith in humanity?"  
"No, not that. I mean me being here." 

Magnus leaned back and took a sip of coffee, his gaze resting on Alec's face thoughtfully. "I have to admit, I'm not quite sure what you mean. I am aware of your presence."  
"Very funny. I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. You said Izzy didn't pay you to find me, so she sure as hell didn't pay you for me staying here. And neither did I. So, why?"  
An amused sparkle appeared in Magnus' eyes. "I already told you, she asked nicely." 

Alec set his fork down. "That's not an answer. You must have had a reason to look for me."  
"Why? Because that is what us Downworlders do? Because we only act if there's an advantage to be gained?"  
The words startled Alec and he shook his head. "That's not what I meant! It's just... people don't do things without a reason."  
Magnus gaze softened. "Oh Alexander, you Nephilim grow up so surrounded by politics and battles that somehow you forget there's kindness in the world."  
"So you saved me out of kindness?"  
The warlock shrugged. "Whatever you want to call it. Fact is, I like you. I have met a lot of Shadowhunters but the moment I met you I recognized that you were different in some way. You are quite special, Alexander Lightwood, and I've grown to like you. Is that reason enough?" 

Alec didn't know what exactly it was that those words were doing to him. He felt like he had been struck by lightning and there was a buzzing in his ears. "There's nothing special about me," he heard himself say. It was true. Jace was the special one, the prodigy, the warrior child. And Alec was... well, Alec.  
The mug made a clicking noise as Magnus put it down and leaned forward. "Yes there is, even if you don't see it. There's nothing ordinary about you."  
"Says the one with the cat eyes," Alec murmured, which Magnus answered with a chuckle. "You really do like them, don't you?"  
A groan escaped Alec's lips and he met Magnus' gaze. "Oh, shut up. We didn't want to talk about that anymore."  
"You were the one who brought it up again, actually. Forgive me, I don't mean to make fun of you. I am merely curious, since most people – especially Shadowhunters – have quite the opposite opinion on my eyes." 

There was a short pause. Then Alec said quietly, "I can't see how. They're beautiful." He was pretty sure he was blushing hard, therefore he stabbed a piece of pancake with his fork to distract himself. He didn't know why he had just said that. Not that it wasn't true, he really did think that Magnus' eyes were magnificent, but still. Embarrassing. 

"Well thank you Alexander, that might just have been the nicest compliment I've ever received."  
Alec stopped stabbing his pancake to death and looked up. "Are you telling me that you've lived for centuries and the nicest thing anyone has ever told you was 'You have beautiful eyes'? That is kind of sad."  
Again, Magnus chuckled and Alec found that he really liked the sound of that. It made him feel at ease, something he rarely felt lastly since he was always on edge about something. "Of course I've received flatterings far more pompous, but a compliment's worth always lies within its purpose. If people only flatter you to achieve something, there's rarely honesty in their words."  
"Who says I'm not only telling you this to let me stay?" Alec replied and couldn't help but smile a little. As Magnus saw that, he did just the same.  
"You already knew I was going to let you stay. You are welcome here at any time, Alexander. Though next time, please don't get hit by a car first. I prefer it when you're in one piece."  
"Yeah well, that makes two of us." Then his smile faltered. "My parents, on the other hand, would probably find it convenient if I just got run over." 

At those words, Magnus pushed back his chair and stood up, only to crouch down in front of Alec. It was strange, Alec thought, to lock down to the warlock. Magnus was just so tall that normally Alec almost had to crane his neck to talk to him. Now, Magnus looked up and placed a hand on each of Alec's sides, basically trapping him into the chair. When he spoke, his voice was very gentle. "Your parents do not want you dead. Even if they don't approve of your sexuality, which you don't know." 

Alec chuckled humorlessly and pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. He wasn't used to being so physically close to somebody. "I don't need to talk to them to know what they're thinking. My mother will ignore it and brush it off as 'a phase', but my father is probably disowning me as we speak. I've heard him talk about others before, therefore I know. I know he thinks it's disgusting and unnatural. I know he thinks gay Shadowhunters should be stripped from their runes, and that he thinks they're an abomination. I know he thinks it's a disease." 

He hadn't even noticed that he had talked himself into a rage, not until he felt the hot sting behind his eyes. Angrily he wiped at his eyes. "Oh and I can just picture all too well what he'd say to me if he saw me right now. Man up, Alexander. At least have the dignity to hide your gayness."  
"There is no shame in crying," Magnus simply said and Alec could feel the warlock's hand on his knee, just lying there in support. "Just as there is no shame in feeling the things you feel. There's nothing wrong with you."  
"Then why does everyone think so?" Alec asked, voice cracking. 

"First of all, not everyone does. Your sister doesn't, I don't, and even though I don't like him, I'm pretty sure Jace doesn't think so either since he showed up at my doorstep at that ungodly hour. And second, these are prejudices, unreasonable hate. People fear everything that is different. Just as people fear Downworlders, just as they think it is a disease to be what we are. I was born a warlock just as you were born gay, and that's it. It's nothing to be ashamed of."  
He squeezed Alec's knee. "We were talking about my eyes earlier. I offered to glamour them because it happens that they put people at unease. My Mark reminds them of who I am, what I am, and not everyone likes that. But I'm not ashamed of it because this is who I am and I really like myself despite how self-absorbed that just sounded.  
What you still need to learn, Alexander, is not to seek approval by those who surround you, but to love yourself unconditionally. There will always be those who don't approve of your sexuality, just as there always will be those who hate Downworlders, and their opinions shouldn't make you love yourself less. It's your right to hate them, but do not hate yourself for what they believe." 

For some time, neither of them said anything. Alec was sure if he opened his mouth now, he'd start crying uncontrollably. Magnus' words had eased the panic, the pain Alec had felt when thinking of his parents and he was just so thankful, but didn't know how to express it.  
And the warlock just waited patiently until Alec gathered up all his courage and laid his hand over Magnus'.  
"So, your eyes," he said softly. "You like them too?"  
Magnus met his gaze and smiled up to him. "Most certainly. I usually don't offer to glamour them; when people are at unease, it's their problem."  
"Then why did you?"  
"Because it is like I said, you are special to me." 

Alec's breathing hitched. "I wish I could understand what you see in me."  
"Oh, I could explain for hours," Magnus replied. "We haven't known each other for very long, and still there are so many things about you that amaze me.  
When we first met at that party here, you were with Jace and your sister and Clary. And that mundane, Samuel?"  
"Simon," Alec corrected, though it didn't matter to him. He had never heard anyone talk about him like that, like he was worth telling stories about. Usually his parents were the only ones who talked about him, and Maryse and Robert Lightwood weren't known for nice words.  
"Simon, right. The rat boy. However, I asked myself back then how someone who tried so hard to stay in the shadows could stand out so much."  
"What do you mean, 'stay in the shadows'?"  
"You try not to draw any attention to you, to blend in with your surroundings. I can only guess you have grown so used to Jace being the center of attention that you just stay back." 

Alec considered that for a moment. "Well it's true, I'm not like Jace. He's the guy that will walk into a party and loudly announce his arrival."  
"Whereas you are the one that arrives quietly. But I think it was exactly that what drew my attention: You weren't trying to be noticed. You acted so unlike other Shadowhunters I know. Your kind is often more like Jace: Loud, proud and straightforward. But you, you stayed back and listened and observed."  
"I just don't like crowds I guess."  
"But you stood out to me," Magnus continues. "No matter how hard you tried to go unnoticed. It was the way you acted: You were polite to everyone at that party, even to that rude group of faeries. And the way you care about your siblings is quite unique too. You have a golden heart, Alexander." 

Alec just stared at his hand that was still holding on to Magnus'. "I just have better manners than my siblings."  
"No, that's not it. They adore you. When Isabelle showed up here yesterday asking me for help, I could tell how deeply she cares about you and that is not just the obligatory sibling love. I can imagine that with your parents out for work a lot and you being the oldest, you probably care for them all, or am I wrong?"  
Alec shook his head. "I do. Otherwise they'd have breakfast for dinner and a sleep routine of one year olds."  
Magnus smiled. "And you adore them just as much, I see. Raising three children is a heavy burden to lay unto your shoulders, but I'd say you mastered it better than just well."  
"I didn't raise..." Alec stopped at the look Magnus gave him. "Okay, maybe I did." 

"And it's that and so much more which makes you so unique. You're a Shadowhunter through and through, putting everyone else before you, always there to help. And still you're so unlike many others of your race, or what so many of your people have become. You incorporate the original purpose and way of the Shadowhunters, Alexander, and while you mistake that for weakness, it is the greatest of all strengths." 

Alec didn't know what to say, what to do. It was all so new for him. He wasn't used to people being this close, not used to receiving compliments and others telling him that he was strong.  
When his parents talked to him, they usually scolded him. With his siblings being troublemakers, there was always something to scold about and since they were Alec's responsibility, it was also his fault when something went wrong.  
Most of the times Alec was just content when his parents didn't feel the need to talk to him at all, because that meant everything was fine. They never praised him, or told him he did good for that matter.  
He had always thought it was just a natural state that the Institute ran smoothly and his siblings were all under control. 

Until Magnus just made him a compliment about it, he never thought it was something worth getting praised for. It was just how it was supposed to be, after all, and nothing extraordinary.  
But he couldn't help but feel that it was nice that someone appreciated what he did. 

"I don't know what to say," he replied honestly. There was no answer he could come up with that made sense in his mind.  
When Magnus stood up, Alec was scared that he was annoyed by him, by the fact that he couldn't even give a simple answer.  
But to his surprise, Magnus pulled him up with him so that now the height difference was back to normal. Alec tipped his head back a bit to look up to the warlock whose cat eyes were glittering with amusement. "You don't have to say anything. I think you need more compliments in your life, Alexander, since you are so obviously not used to them. But I can help with that."  
Alec furrowed his brows. "What, you want to follow me around and throw compliments at me?"  
Chuckling Magnus reached out with his right hand to flick a lost piece of pancake off Alec's shirt, his other hand was still holding Alec's which the latter had barely noticed until now. "If that makes you feel better, certainly. I do think that your eyes are pretty, too. It is the color that so many artists write poems about, you know, when they start talking about the wide sky or the depths of oceans. I always found it to be a tad aggravating, but right now I can see where they are all coming from." 

If Alec hadn't been blushing before, he sure as hell was now. "S-stop that." Oh great, now he was stammering too.  
"Why? It's a nice thing to say, and I am just voicing my honest thoughts."  
"But..." How was there any way to explain this? How could he tell Magnus that he didn't know how to react to those words, that they made him feel things he wasn't supposed to feel, that the warlock was just so damn close and that Alec was scared, just outright frightened that he would mess things up. This was all new to him and he was so afraid of doing it wrong. 

"Alexander, listen to me." Magnus voice was soft as he spoke and he squeezed Alec's hand lightly. "There is no need to be afraid or ashamed of what you feel. It's a good thing to feel, even if people have been telling you that it is wrong. It's not, please believe me." 

"I don't know how to handle this," Alec replied and the words came out more of a whisper. "This is just, this... I never..."  
"I know," Magnus replied. "And that's okay. There is no shame in being new to things, and I'm here to show you. If you want me to, that is. If you are not okay with this then please do tell me, I don't want to force anything on you. Just know that I meant everything I said."  
"No," Alec said, almost too hastily. "No, it's alright, really it's... Well it's just I never would've expected that and I'm... maybe a bit scared. I don't do well in things I'm insecure about and I don't want to mess this up." 

A smile spread over Magnus' lips. "You could never," he said. "All you need to do is calm yourself down. There's nothing to be afraid of." He moved closer. "May I show you?"  
"Show me what?" Alec whispered, even though he was pretty sure he knew what the warlock meant.  
And then Magnus closed the last bit of space between them and gently brought his lips down on Alec's. 

A shock of energy went through him, but it was good, it felt nice. He shifted a bit closer, carefully placing his hand on Magnus shoulder, just as the latter wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in. A gasp escaped Alec's lips and he could feel Magnus smile for a split second.  
This, this was so much better than he had ever imagined. 

He could feel Magnus' heart beating, a steady calm rhythm in contrast to the wild beat in his own chest.  
They were so close and Magnus was so warm and the kiss was soft and gentle, so reassuringly calm. This was just as magical as Magnus was himself, sparkling and kind and so full of life. 

Alec couldn't help but wonder what about this could have made him so afraid. Right now, with Magnus right here, with the two of them together, he felt as if there was nothing that could make this any less perfect, nothing that could destroy this. It was as if all of his fear was being brushed off by Magnus' touch. 

When they eventually broke apart, the warlock was smiling. He still held on to Alec, keeping him close, so close that Alec could see every detail of his face; the glitter in his hair, the golden specks in his green-yellow eyes.  
"Now that is nothing to be afraid of, or am I mistaken?"  
Alec shook his head, not able to sort out the right words just yet, but Magnus didn't seem to mind, he just reached out to cup Alec's face in his hand. "You truly amaze me, Alexander."  
"That was... different." Wow, Alec. Way to go. But Magnus merely chuckled. "It sure was. And I do hope you liked it as much as I did."  
"Yes!" Alec blurted out. "I mean, I really... this...oh by the Angel, I'm sorry for being such a mess."  
"It's quite alright, I can't deny that it's very adorable," Magnus teased and leaned in for another kiss, just a quick brush of lips but it still sent another jolt through Alec. He smiled as Magnus pulled away again. "It actually is really nice."  
"I'm glad you think so," Magnus replied. "Because now I wouldn't want to miss it anymore. And I certainly plan on doing it again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and/or comments will bring a smile to my face for sure!  
Thanks xx


	3. Shattering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace comes to talk and is as sensitive as a piece of bread.

The rest of breakfast was simply amazing. Alec thought he'd be even more nervous now, but on the contrary, he felt much more at ease. It was as if a tension had been broken between them, as if there had been a weight on his chest that had been lifted. He still felt that pang of unease when he thought of home, of his parents, but knowing that he had Magnus at his side made things a lot easier. 

They had just finished cleaning up when the doorbell buzzed. Magnus raised an eyebrow, but went to get the door. A few moments later he returned to the kitchen, shaking his head. "Your friend is more persistent than I thought. He's outside and currently planning a sit-in if we don't let him in. I mean, he can sit there all week as far as I'm concerned, it's your decision." 

Alec sighed. Of course Jace wouldn't give up that easily, that wouldn't have been his style. He felt the nervousness rise up again, but took a deep breath and squared his shoulder. He couldn't avoid his parabatai forever. "It's alright. I'll talk to him."  
Magnus simply nodded. "Whatever you want. I'll stay here, you take the living room."  
"Thanks," Alec murmured and turned to walk out the door, but paused. For a few seconds he just stood there, contemplating, before he turned around again and walked up to Magnus, pressing his lips to his. If Magnus was surprised he didn't let it on, simply smiled into the kiss and pulled Alec a bit closer. 

When they broke apart again, Magnus just held on for a second longer before letting Alec go. "I like this new habit of yours, as long as I stay the one it's directed to."  
Alec laughed. "I don't plan on jumping anyone else, don't worry." 

Then he left the kitchen and went to the front door, pulling it open. Jace didn't seem to have started his sit-in yet, at least he was still standing in the hallway.  
When he saw Alec, he straightened up. "Took you long enough." It didn't sound offensive, but still Alec stayed where he was, unsure of what to do. "Do you want to come in?" 

Maybe Jace was just here to tell him how disgusted he was, to demand they broke the parabatai bond and to never bother him again. That could be easily done in the hallway. But Jace nodded and took a step forward, so Alec let him in and led him into the living room as Magnus had suggested. He could hear the warlock rummaging around in the kitchen and somehow, the sound of it calmed him. 

"So," he said, facing to turn Jace. "You wanted to talk."  
"Obviously," Jace replied. "Or did you think I'd just sit back and act as if nothing happened? You ran, Alec, we were all worried."  
"Well I'm sorry, but I had different things on my mind than thinking about whether you'd worry." That came out sharper than he intended.  
Jace lifted his hands as if to show that he meant no offense. "I understand, I'm just glad you're okay. At least you seem okay. Are you?" 

Alec shrugged. "Fine, I guess."  
"Not, then. Alright." Jace sighed and raked his hands through his golden hair. "Look, we both know we have to address this topic. About what Clary said." 

There was a sting in Alec's chest and he could feel his throat tighten, but he couldn't afford to lose control, not right now. "Sure, which part was it that bothered you? That she told you I was gay or that she told you I was gay for you? Or both, since you can't even bring yourself to say it."  
"Don't be like that. I couldn't care less about you being gay, this isn't about me. I just worry, okay?" 

Alec laughed, and almost winced at how cold it sounded to his own ears. "You worry?" 

"Yes, I do. You're my brother, Alec, of course I worry. Look, the things is – you know that already, but you and I..." 

"Let me stop you right there," Alec interrupted. "This isn't about that, okay? I've come to terms with those feelings, I had lots of time for that in the past years. I couldn't make them disappear like that, but I learned to deal with them and I learned to accept it. I'm not dumb, you know? I knew it would never happen. You obviously like girls, and even if you didn't, we're parabatai. It wouldn't even be legal. Of course I know that and by now, it's totally okay." 

"But then why..." 

"Why did I never tell you? Because of this, Jace. I didn't want things to be awkward, and that is exactly what's happening right now, thanks to Clary. I was okay with the situation the way it was. So why bother you with it? Like, what would you have wanted me to say? 'Hey Jace, I have a crush on you, but don't worry I have it under control'? Where would be the sense in that? We were fine like this." 

"But it doesn't have to be awkward." 

"It already is. Or do you want to deny the only thing you see when you look at me right now is 'He has a crush on me'? Are you wondering if I ever stared at you? How many times I looked at you like that and you never noticed because all we were supposed to be was brothers? How I could betray your trust like that?" 

"No," Jace said firmly. "It's not like that. I am not disgusted by you, if that's what you're trying to imply, and I'm not angry either. Maybe it is awkward right now, but you learned to come to terms with it and so can I." 

That took Alec by surprise. He really hadn't expected Jace to take this so well. "So you're... you're fine with it?" 

"I will be," Jace replied and while it stung, Alec was grateful for his honesty. "I could never hate you, Alec, I hope you know that." 

"Okay." This was alright. It wasn't the best outcome he could've hoped for, but it was alright and with time it would be all okay again. 

"So," Jace started. "Will you come home again?" 

At that, Alec froze. "I don't think I can just now. And don't try telling me our parents took it well. I know them."  
"Well..."  
"Seriously, don't. Please just tell me what they said and don't try to sugarcoat it. I can take it." 

Jace sighed. "If you insist. After you left Maryse asked Clary how she could, and I quote, 'accuse you of such a thing'. But Robert had caught on already and... well, you know him."  
"What did he say?" Alec asked quietly, the tightness in his throat returning.  
"Alec, I don't think..."  
"What did he say?" Alec interrupted harshly. He wanted to know, he needed to. 

Jace looked down, obviously uncomfortable. "He told us not to go looking for you." 

Those words struck him harder than Alec had expected them to. He could picture it perfectly, Isabelle panicking and making to run after him and then Robert, speaking with a deadly calmness. Don't go looking for him.  
Tears burned up behind his eyes, but he blinked them away angrily. "Well, I wouldn't have expected anything else. So, no. I won't come home just yet. It's not like they want me to anyways."  
"But we do," Jace said. "You're our brother." 

_Yeah, the brother that developed a crush on you and that your girlfriend outed._  
Thinking of Clary only stirred his rage. He didn't even know if he was angry or hurt anymore. 

"I'm sorry Jace, but I can't be too considerate of your feelings right now. I can't go back like this, in this state I can't face parents who hate me and your girlfriend who makes my blood boil just thinking of her." 

"Yeah, about that," Jace began, and Alec could already hear that this wasn't going to be good. "She's truly sorry, Alec. She blames herself for everything and the guilt is basically eating her up alive." 

"It should," he replied coldly. "It is her fault after all." 

Jace looked as if he had just slapped him. "That's not... you were both angry, she didn't mean to do that!" 

"But she did! So I'm sorry, but no. I know what you're asking, and no. I won't forgive her." 

"That's not you." Jace shook his head. "Alec, this is so not you. Since when are you so bitter?" 

"Maybe since Clary took everything from me, my parents and my home; and my brother, my parabatai is not only defending her but also asking me to shrug it off as if it was nothing. Do you even understand how much I hurt, Jace? Do you know what this feels like?" 

"I'm not... come on, you can't ask me to pick sides!" 

"I never asked that." Alec's voice became louder and he hated it, he hated shouting but he was just so angry. "But I expected you to show at least a little bit of sympathy. I didn't realize that you were so blindly and stupidly in love that you can't even admit what she did was wrong." 

At those words, Jace's features grew cold. "All I said was that it happened in the heat of the moment! She'd never have done it on purpose!" 

"I was angry too! But did you see me outing somebody because of it? I don't think so!" 

"What you're asking is for me to condemn her just so you feel better!" 

Alec drew back. "Just so I... are you kidding me?! All I expected was just a little support from someone who is supposed to be the person closest to me! At least I remember the oaths we took!" 

"So do I!" Jace replied, by now shouting. "Thy people shall be my people. Do you remember that part too?" 

"Well you have obviously forgotten the rest of it all! You say you don't want to pick sides, but you did so already! You chose her over me and now you're blaming me for not being okay with that! You know what, just go back to her!" 

"You know, right now it sounds like she was actually right. Maybe you are just jealous after all." 

A coldness washed over Alec at those words. Jace actually had said that. He had taken the one thing he knew Alec was vulnerable about and turned it on him, used it to hurt him on purpose. When Alec didn't reply but just stood there frozen in shock and hurt, Jace apparently realized what he had done. 

"I'm sorry, that was..." 

"Get out." He had never heard his own voice so cold. 

"Alec..." 

Before he could think better of it, Alec had grabbed a vase close to him and hurled it at Jace. The tears spilling from his eyes affected his aim and he missed, the vase shattering just inches next to Jace.  
"_Get out!_"  
"I just want to..." 

But he was interrupted by another voice who spoke calmly, but in a stern tone. "He told you to get out. And I recall very clearly to have told you that you were only welcome if he wants you to stay. Right now, he obviously doesn't want that, so I suggest you leave. Now." 

Alec didn't look at either of them, he just stared at the spot where the vase had shattered and felt the tears running down his face. Every beat of his heart stung in his chest and reminded him just how much emotional pain could hurt physically.  
"Alec..." Jace tried again, but Magnus had none of it. "Now!" 

Alec could hear Jace mutter "I'm sorry", then footsteps and the sound of the door closing. He felt his legs give away, but before he could hit the ground he was caught by a strong pair of arms and lifted onto the couch. 

"Well, that vase was very old," Magnus said gently and Alec let out a sob, clutching to the front of the warlock's chest. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry..."  
"It's alright, darling." Alec could feel the soothing sensation of hands rubbing circles on his back. "I was just joking, it was from Ikea. It's alright now, just breathe for me." 

Alec laughed, but it came out choked by sobs. He hadn't even noticed that his breathing had hitched and now he was gasping for air, but the oxygen wouldn't come. "Magnus," he gasped, clutching harder at the shirt, trying to pull himself together, but he was suffocating, suffocating and he didn't know how to make it stop. 

"Alexander." Magnus' voice sounded so far away. "Alexander, look at me." His eyes snapped up, meeting those yellow-greens.  
"Okay, now listen. You think you're not breathing enough, but you are actually over-breathing. It is called hyperventilating. Right now, I need you to stay calm. You will not suffocate, you hear me? Here..."  
He took Alec's hand and placed it on his abdomen. "I need you to breathe into your stomach, not into your chest. That way, you force your body to relax. Can you do that for me? Come on, breathe with me. Slowly." 

Alec tried, he struggled hard but eventually could bring himself to breathe slower.  
"That's it, darling," Magnus encouraged him gently. "Less breathing in, more breathing out. It's okay, you're okay. Just keep breathing."  
"Yeah," Alec gasped, breathing almost normally again. "Yeah, I'm fine."  
"No, you are not, so take it slow," Magnus scolded and pulled Alec into an upright sitting position, firmly holding on to his shoulders. "There you go." 

"I'm still sorry about your vase," Alec said and let himself fall forward against Magnus' chest.  
The warlock chuckled quietly and hugged him tightly. "It truly is alright. I would've enjoyed it better if it hadn't missed though." 

"He still defends her," Alec murmured. "She outed me, she took my family and my home from me and he can't even just admit that what she did was wrong." 

"I heard," Magnus replied. "And his behavior was inappropriate indeed. He will come around though, I'm sure of that. As far as I can judge - and I'm actually pretty good at that - he just needs a bit more time to sort through things. You two are very close, neither Clarissa nor your sexuality will change that." 

"I hate how everything about this is such a big deal. Why can't I just like guys and that's it?" 

"Because being part angel does not prevent Shadowhunters from being prejudiced. But while it is hard, it's also not important. What matters most is that you are comfortable with yourself." 

"That is pretty hard when everyone is telling you that there's something wrong with you." He sounded bitter, but right now he didn't mind. Maybe he was bitter. 

Magnus placed a light kiss on the top of Alec's head and ruffled his hair. "How lucky that you have me now. I wasn't joking about the compliments earlier. Did you know that your hair is just gorgeous?" 

At that, Alec couldn't help but laugh. He leaned back so he was face to face with Magnus again. "You are unbelievable."  
Magnus grinned. "So I've been told."  
"I never thought you actually liked me, you know? I mean, I'm not oblivious, I did notice that you were flirting but I figured that was just your sense of humor. I didn't even think you were actually gay, I thought you were just joking around. I somehow couldn't believe you actually could like me." 

Magnus reached out to brush a strand of Alec's black hair back which had fallen into his eyes. "I hope you realized that this is in no manner a joke to me. Even though I have to correct you, I actually am not gay but bisexual." 

"Oh, I'm sorry." 

"No need to apologize. I genuinely like you, Alexander." 

"Yeah, I got that by now." He leaned forward. "Will you kiss me, please?" Magnus chuckled. "What, you need proof? That I can give you." And then he pulled him in to meet his lips. Alec could feel himself relax and welcomed the soft, calm kiss. Magnus smelled of sandalwood and coffee, which was nice and made Alec wonder what he smelled like himself. Whatever it was, he hoped Magnus liked it too. 

"So," Magnus said and leaned back just an inch, eyes sparkling. "I heard you are staying." 

"If you don't mind," Alec replied quietly. 

"Now don't be ridiculous, darling." Magnus placed another light kiss on his lips. "There is just one request I have." 

Alec looked up to him questioningly. "Which would be...?" 

"No more guest bedroom for you. I have a perfectly fine king-size bed which I'm sure you'll love." 

That caused Alec to chuckle. "I can live with that." 

"You better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drop some kudos and/or comments and I'll love you forever!  
Thanks xx


	4. Chapter 4 - Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy is a terrible cook, but she throws a good punch.

They had a nice, uneventful day at the loft.  
Magnus postponed every High Warlock business he had had planned for the day - "I hope you feel special now, Alexander" - and they spent the day spoiling Chairman Meow, admiring Magnus' bookshelves (though Magnus seemed more interesting in watching Alec than the books) and when evening drew near, Alec insisted on cooking.  
Magnus summoned the ingredients and Alec energetically started rummaging around the kitchen. 

"I didn't think you were into cooking," Magnus said, apparently amused by Alec's enthusiasm.  
The latter just shrugged. "I rarely have time at the Institute, plus someone would need to go shopping for ingredients and nobody ever does that. I do enjoy cooking though." He frowned. "Does that make me a cliché?" 

"Own your stereotypes, Alexander, that way they can't hurt you." He leaned over Alec's shoulder. "What exactly is it that you're producing here?" 

"Chicken Makhani. Do you prefer it spicy?" 

Magnus smirked. "Whatever you want, I'm not really picky. Hence the bisexuality." 

With a groan Alec poured oil into a pan and started heating it up. "I can't believe you actually made that joke. That's kind of biphobic, really." 

"Indeed, I apologise for making fun of myself." 

In that moment, the doorbell buzzed. Magnus sighed exasperated and left the room to get it, mumbling under his breath, "Will I ever have a moment of peace in this house?" 

A few moments later he returned with Isabelle at his heels, who threw herself at Alec the moment she saw him, careless of the knife he held in his hand to chop the onions. 

"Izzy, watch out!", he scolded her and carefully let the knife aside, but she just ignored him. "Don't you ever dare to scare me like that again! First you ran, and then Jace said he could sense physical pain... I was worried sick, you asshole!" 

"Language," Alec replied. "I'm sorry, alright? I had to clear my head and had some sort of tunnel vision. I won't run again." 

"Good," his sister huffed and glanced behind him. "Is that Chicken Makhani in the making?" 

Quickly Alec moved between her and the pan. "Stay away from my chicken. I won't have you burn this place down." 

"Rude," Isabelle replied and looked over to Magnus. "I would never." 

The warlock just chuckled. "You are welcome to stay for dinner as long as my house still stands." 

Isabelle frowned. "You two are way too much alike. Anyways; I'd love to stay for dinner but I am actually here with the idiot of a brother I left at the front door." 

Alec stared at her. "You brought Jace back here? Why?" 

"I managed to punch some sense into him," she replied, shrugging and held up her left hand. It was obviously already healed by an iratze, but there were still faint bruises on her knuckles. 

Alec furrowed his brows. "Left hand?" 

"I was holding coffee with my right." 

Magnus let out a laugh whereas Alec rolled his eyes. "Izzy, you can't just go around punching everyone." 

"If they hurt you, then yes, I can. It proved to be quite effective, too, since Jace is here with me and boy does he have some apologizing to do." 

Alec sighed and went back to his onions. "I don't know. I don't think I have the energy for that right now to be honest." 

"Just give him five minutes. If you're still not up for it after that then you can still tell him to get lost." 

He still wasn't really convinced, his gaze wandered back to his onions. Isabelle groaned. "We'll watch your onions, just go." 

"No way," he replied and shoved her away from the stove. "Magnus can do that. You stay over here and touch nothing in this kitchen." 

That left her pouting, but at least she sat down on one if the chairs and didn't make another attempt to interfere with the meal. Alec sighed. "I'll be back in a few." 

"Don't you worry, big brother," he heard Isabelle call after him. "He wouldn't be here if I wasn't a hundred percent sure he deserved to talk to you." 

********** 

Alec couldn't recall having ever seen Jace that nervous.  
He'd seen him in a lot of states, angry, annoyingly happy, in love, drunk, devastated, frustrated, sad, hurt... but nervous? That was new to him. 

However, Jace stood in the hallway fumbling with his jacket. When Alec stepped out, he stopped but didn’t seem to know what to look at so his gaze flicked back and forth between his shoes and Alec's eyes.  
Alec could see a fading bruise on his parabatai's cheekbone. Isabelle sure knew how to throw a punch, regardless which hand. He had felt the pain, earlier when Magnus and he had been browsing the bookshelves, but he had brushed it away as nothing. 

"So..." he began, but his voice trailed off. He didn't know what to say.  
Jace hesitated for a moment, as if he needed to collect himself, then he took a step forward. "Alec, I'm sorry." And faster than his eyes could follow he had closed the distance between them and pulled him into a hug. "I am so so sorry. I never should have said those things to you. You were right, of course you were right and I am... fuck, I know there's nothing to justify what I said, just... I just want you to know that I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean what I said." 

Alec sighed, but hugged him back. "You can be such an idiot, Jace." 

"I know," the other mumbled. "Will you let me explain?" 

"Yeah." He drew back and straightened his shirt. "Please do." 

"Okay." Jace took a deep breath. "I know what Clary did was wrong, very much so. And I was also angry at her, hell, I still am. I just... I never had what I have with her, you know? And I'm scared, all the time, that one day she'll wake up and not want me anymore. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I felt if I didn't defend her, she'd just turn her back and leave. And that was incredibly stupid and I only realized how much I hurt you with that when it was already too late. I know this is no justification... I just wanted you to know the reason. And I'm sorry, I really am. I'd never choose anyone over you, Alec, not ever." 

Alec took a moment to consider what Jace had just said. He understood, of course he understood. The fear of the people you loved leaving wasn't unknown to him. So he took a deep breath and said, "You're right, that doesn't justify anything."  
He could see Jace's face fall, but simply continued, "But I understand. You're still an idiot and I think you realized yourself that your words hurt, but I get where you're coming from. Just please... please don't ever act like that again. I don't think I could take it. I'm afraid of losing people too, you know? That's part of the reason I never came out." 

Jace nodded. "I'm really sorry. It shouldn't have happened that way." 

"No, it shouldn't have, but it did. But you're still here, Izzy and Max knew anyways and I have Magnus... I will be okay." 

"Does that mean you can forgive me?" Jace asked and it was one of the few times that Alec had ever heard his voice unsteady. 

"Yes," he replied honestly. "As long as you understand that I can't forgive Clary yet." 

"I do. I totally do." 

"Good. In that case, parabatai, you're welcome to stay for the dinner that I have to get back to now before Izzy starts getting ideas. I told her not to touch anything, but you know her." 

He turned to reenter the apartment and only paused when he felt Jace's hand on his shoulder. "_For whither thou goest, I will go_. I didn't forget, Alec. I never will." 

Alec smiled and gave Jace's hand a squeeze. "_And where thou lodgest, I will lodge_. Neither will I."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was that!  
Thanks for sticking with me and please drop a kudo and/or comment, it'll make my entire day!  
Thanks xx

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and/or comments will make my entire day!  
Thank you xx


End file.
